Setting Healthy Boundaries – December 13, 2021

It’s that time of year again when many of us feel pressure to be all things to all people (…or is that all year for some of us?)

The month of December is as busy as can be, with many people trying to live up to ambitious professional expectations about what needs to get done by the end of the year, and an uptick in activities in our personal lives. Virtually all my clients mention feeling harried during the holiday season, which makes it a good time to set boundaries and be intentional about what we want to take with us into the new year.

Let Your Core Values Guide Your Decisions

It’s easy for some of us to say ‘no’ to invitations and requests, but for others, getting lost in a jumble of expectations, priorities, and invites is a difficult challenge. It’s a quick way to lose track of yourself!

In one of my last blog posts, I wrote about getting clarity on your personal core values. When you have clarity, your values serve as directional signs when you’re faced with making a decision. It’s a necessary part of setting boundaries.

When you set a boundary, you need to know why you are setting it and you need to know the expectation you have of others so you can communicate how you wish to be treated. At the same time, respecting boundaries means that when others communicate their boundaries to you, that you honor and respect them (and their values) without judgment.

Here’s how this works in practice. Say that one of your core values is family. This may manifest as setting a boundary around work hours. For example:

• Respect for the other person: Discuss your value of family with your leader/boss/business partner.

  
  

• Clarity in setting expectations: Let them know you will be leaving the office or signing off your computer at 5 pm.

  
  

• Clarity in setting expectations and honoring your value of family: Do not check-in between 5 pm and 8 pm while you are with your family.

  
  

• Clarity in setting exceptions and training others how to respond to you: Check for urgent messages between 8 pm and 9 pm or finish up urgent work during that time.

  
  

• Clarity in setting expectations and training others how to respond to you: You will be back in the office or online at 9 am the next day.

  
  

If you haven’t had this type of respectful and clear conversation to set expectations, it isn’t fair to get annoyed if your boss keeps pinging you all night. It’s your responsibility to set up time for this discussion.

Set Boundaries Around Focus Time

I recently picked up a special edition of Time Magazine about the future of work. It’s a great issue. One article in the magazine highlighted that one of the biggest challenges people face today is constant interruptions. In the last three years, our attention span (the time we go without a distraction) has decreased from two minutes to 47 seconds!

Those constant notifications from email, text, Slack, calendars… they’re taking a toll on our ability to go deep and focus well. Without interruptions, we can move into a state of flow, and that’s when we’re at our most creative and productive.

It’s impossible to get into the flow when we’re constantly being interrupted, which is why it’s important to set boundaries around your focus time. Turn off the notifications and allow yourself to concentrate deeply for longer than 47 seconds!

How to Tell if You Need to Set a Boundary

Your emotions will guide you to indicate if you need to set a boundary in an area of your life. Just ask yourself: what negative emotions come up for me regularly? A common one right now is “overwhelm”.

Let yourself feel the negative emotion and thank it for being your teacher. Ask, “Overwhelm (or insert other negative emotion), what can I learn from you?” The answer is likely something similar to, “I’ve said yes to too many things.” Or, “I haven’t clearly communicated my needs or expectations to someone else.”

If you continue to experience the negative emotion in your life, it’s a clear sign that you have an opportunity to set a boundary, or several boundaries! If you keep experiencing the emotion but don’t do anything about it, you’ll stay in that negative state. But if you slow down and examine the emotion, it’s very likely that you’ll discover an opportunity to grow.

Take Care of Yourself to Avoid Burnout

As Brené Brown says, “’Boundary’ is simply what’s ok and what’s not ok.” Setting clear boundaries is a form of self-care. It ensures that you are saying ‘yes’ and ‘no’ to the appropriate things. It also sets in place clear results when the boundary isn’t respected.

Boundaries help us train people how to respond to us. If we have no boundaries, then we’re training people that they can ask a lot of us — and that’s what leads to burnout.

How can you set a boundary today? Think of one area in your life where you feel overwhelmed or frustrated because somebody keeps overstepping a boundary that may never have been set because an appropriate conversation hasn’t happened. Identify the value you’re trying to honor by setting the boundary.

From that place, ask yourself: “What is the boundary I want to set? What is the conversation I need to have, with whom, and when?” The answers may be illuminating.