Feedback: Clear is Kind – November 29, 2021

I was recently listening to a podcast by Brené Brown where she mentioned “The Engaged Feedback Checklist.”

If you know me, then you know that I am a huge fan of Brené and her compassionate yet structured approach to workplace relationships. I smiled inwardly when I heard her mention the checklist because I’ve discussed it with several clients lately in our coaching sessions. (Read about The Engaged Feedback Checklist here).

When it Comes to Feedback, Clear is Kind, Unclear is Unkind

In her work, Brené states that “clear is kind, unclear is unkind.” She says, “Not giving people clear feedback is bullshit and is hiding in your own insecurities.”

What does unclear feedback look like?

One of my former clients recently called me and said his boss told him that people are finding him “difficult,” but couldn’t elaborate on what exactly that meant, and couldn’t tell him what to do about it. His boss gave no other information or direction.  My client was confused and frustrated.

This situation is all too common. Leaders often complain to me about an employee or teammate, but when I ask, “Have you given them that feedback?” 90% of the time the answer is “no, I haven’t had that conversation with them.”

Sure, it can be difficult to initiate a conversation where you give feedback, which is exactly why people avoid it, and exactly why Brené says that when you avoid it, you’re “hiding in your own insecurities.” It’s uncomfortable to give feedback, and unfortunately, if you’re not brave enough to step into that discomfort, you become part of the problem.

Let’s talk about how to be kind and give clear feedback so you can be part of the solution instead.

How to Give Kind and Clear Feedback at Work:

Give feedback as soon as possible, if not immediately. After you share the initial feedback, ask the receiver if they want to talk about it now or later (usually later is better, after everyone is calm and not overwhelmed). When you do talk, share specific examples, and describe the impact of the person’s behavior.

Don’t just deliver a pile of crap to the person (like what happened to my client above). Be clear about the behavior you want to see instead. To get clarity, ask yourself:

• What would be more effective?

  
  

• What would that behavior look like?

  
  

• Will I know it when I see it?

  
  

• Am I willing to be an ally to this person and let them know what I’m seeing in the future, i.e., are things improving? What’s different or better?

  
  

• What is the impact?

  
  

Rather than focus on what isn’t working, focus on what you want to see instead. The last thing you want to do when giving feedback is to leave someone feeling confused, berated or made wrong. That will only cause them to shut down. Instead, explain to them a more effective way by using the answers from the questions you asked yourself earlier to guide you.  Help them to be future-focused rather than getting stuck in the past.

Make sure the employee understands what you want. A good practice is to have the person verbally share with you (email works too) what they gleaned from your conversation to make sure you’re on the same page. Take the opportunity to course-correct if needed.

Circle back to ensure a behavior change. You can help them reinforce the new behavior by pointing it out when you see it. Say something like, “Hey, great job, it was really effective when you did XXX. Do more of this.” Positive reinforcement is the most effective element in bringing about behavior change.

Ready to Give Effective Feedback?

As the person giving the feedback, it’s your job to be part of the solution. Identifying the problem and doing nothing about it is likely worse than never bringing it up in the first place.

If you are thinking about giving feedback, check out Brené Brown’s Engaged Feedback Checklist. Check in with yourself and find out: are you ready to give this person feedback?

Ensure that you’re being part of the solution rather than perpetuating the problem, like my client’s boss did to him. Don’t deliver a load of crap to somebody! Focus on the positive and tell them what you want to see instead.  And then reinforce the new behavior when you see it.

Every relationship takes work. With a little bit of thought and effort, you can create a positive and effective outcome.

If you are interested in creating deeper, lasting change, I invite you to check out the Shift Positive 360 method that I facilitate.  This is a highly effective means of gathering feedback through structured interviews and is based on positive psychology and a people-systems approach.