Exhaustion: The Oxford dictionary defines it as, “A state of extreme physical or mental fatigue.” “The action or state of using something up, or of being used up completely.”
In my coaching practice exhaustion sounds like this:
“My husband says he’s really frustrated with me because I’ve been working so much and not giving enough to our family. His frustration makes me even more frustrated.”
“I’ve worked 12 days in a row without a day off, but I have to keep going. There’s no one else who can do this work. I’m so tired and I’m not thinking straight.”
“We just took on a huge new mortgage in an expensive town, we’re in the middle of IVF, my toddler isn’t sleeping, and my partner just took a job paying a lot less. I’m feeling the weight of the world on my shoulders.”
“I’m committed to this role for 2.5 more years because I will get a big payout then. My well-being keeps coming in second, but I have to keep up this fast pace at work. I have no choice.”
Sound familiar?
When my clients initially hire me, it’s often because work has taken over their lives to the point that it dominates most of their time and it’s impacting every other aspect of their lives, whether they are conscious of it or not. As a result, they’re not doing their best work. How could they? Their brains and bodies are exhausted. They are overwhelmed.
Goldilocks of the Brain
According to Hains and Arnsten, Learning & Memory, 2008 and BeAbove Leadership, 2016, when we are in this state of too much stress, the functioning of our brains is impaired. We have foggy thinking, poor impulse control, poor decision-making, poor memory/recall, a lack of empathy for others, and we become black-and-white thinkers. Interestingly, the same brain impairment happens when we have too little stress or too little of the right kind of positive stimulation, like interesting and challenging work.
Conversely, when we are receiving the “just right” (for you) amount of positive stress and stimulation in our life, our brain can function optimally. From this place, your brain helps you to be goal-directed, delay gratification (i.e. you can pass up those donuts!), have better recall, make sound decisions, understand what others are thinking, and deal well with abstract concepts.
What do you notice about your leadership effectiveness when you lead from overwhelm or exhaustion?
When Less is Actually More
Have you ever noticed that the inertia of busyness just kind of keeps you… busy? We get so used to our calendars being full all the time, so used to rushing from one task to the next, that we start to think of that as normal.
Let me be clear: Other people putting stuff on your calendar and you saying, “yes” to all of it isn’t normal. It’s a destructive behavior that will lead to ineffective leadership, missed goals, and eventually burnout.
You must create space. You must critically evaluate why you are saying “yes” or “no” to requests for your time.
Then, when you have more space, use it wisely! Notice what comes up for you in that space.
Do you fear what you’ll find when you sit in the quiet?
Do you wonder what your value is if you’re not actively contributing something all day, every day?
Do you wonder if “they” will think you aren’t productive enough?
What if less actually led to more?
What if you gave some of your calendar invites a “courageous no?”
Where is Your Energy Going?
This summer, I had the incredible opportunity to step back from work and spend significant time doing what I wanted (travel, camping, seeing friends, enjoying family and nature, etc.)
It really got me thinking: How much is enough — money, work, success — for me to be able to continue living my whole life, not just my work life? What if I don’t need to accomplish as much professionally as I thought I did in order to feel fulfilled and content? What if I can shift my priorities to put more energy into things that really make me feel alive?
Susan David, Ph.D., author of Emotional Agility: Get Unstuck, Embrace Change, and Thrive in Work and Life talks about, “when to grit and when to quit”.
We often have goals or milestones that we’ve been trying to achieve for months or years (owning a house, earning a stock or equity payout, etc). It can be illuminating to ask yourself, “is this goal really worth continuing to strive for?” Dr. David offers some questions I’ll share below. Your answers may be quite informative and revealing and lead you to shift where your energy is being spent.
Do I find joy or satisfaction in the pursuit of this goal?
Does this goal reflect my most important core values?
Does this goal draw on my strengths?
If I’m completely honest with myself, do I believe that I (or this situation) can really be a success?
What opportunities will I give up if I pursue this?
Am I demonstrating grit or am I being obstinate?
“You can persevere, but if all that effort and determination is not in service of your life’s goals, then it’s just not serving you.” – Susan David, Ph.D.
Explore the Wheel of Life
Another helpful way to gauge whether it’s time to make some changes is by completing The Wheel of Life. This simple, yet profound exercise can support you in getting a clearer picture of where your energy is flowing. Take a look:
Each major section of your life gets a slice of the pie: work, family, community, health, etc. If a slice scores a 10, it means you feel 100% satisfied and fulfilled in that area of your life. If a slice gets a lower score, it means you’re feeling depleted and dissatisfied in that arena.
Take a few minutes to score each slice. When you’re done, it will become clear what areas of your life are fulfilling to you and what needs your attention.
A “10” isn’t necessarily your goal for each slice of the pie. Trying to achieve a 10 in an area that is already an 8 or 9 detracts from the energy you could give to a slice that is a 2 or a 3. The level of fulfillment you receive from moving one slice from a 2 to a 6 will likely be much greater than moving another slice from a 9 to a 10. Use your energy wisely.
This is the ideal place to ask yourself, “what is enough?” (for each slice of the pie).
Slow Down…Choose Wisely
Let this be a vital reminder that you have choices! Even when it feels difficult, or even impossible, we always get to choose the experience we’re having in life. Yes, there are consequences to our choices. So be intentional. Choose wisely. Your wheel can look very different in a month, or even in a day.
I invite you to slow down and create some space for yourself.
When we slow down, we have an opportunity to notice our emotions, see our relationships for what they really are, and pay attention to our health. Those things are really important to our overall well-being and happiness.
It can be as simple as stopping for 60 seconds a couple times during your day. Breathe. Settle. Feel into your body. Reflect on your day. Ask yourself, “what choice do I want to make next?”
The Pursuit of Less
One of my favorite business and life books is Essentialism by Greg McKeown. In this book, he makes a compelling case for doing less.
McKeown shares that by slowing down, we have a chance to recognize what we really want, and what really needs to be done. The rest can be let go — otherwise, we’re simply perpetuating a cycle that’s exhausting, and that negatively impacts our wellbeing.
Slowing down helps us think more clearly and more creatively, and more importantly, to actually enjoy our lives!
So, this week, slow down! Give yourself a chance to breathe. Be intentional about the choices you make. Ask reflective questions. Return to The Wheel of Life, consider which areas of your life are feeling fulfilling and nourishing, and which are lacking or dominating. Take some time with it and give yourself permission to go slow!
If you’d like support in integrating a more intentional approach into your work and life, let’s talk. Contact me here to find out if I’m the right coach for you or your organization.
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