The Partnership of Coaching – November 1, 2022

In my work with clients, I frequently hear people say, “I should have known that” or “I should have been able to figure this out on my own.” For some reason, we tend to assume that we “should” figure out how to be wildly successful by ourselves.

Nope.

I’d like to clarify a few points:

1. We are not meant to “go it alone.”

   
   

2. We are not meant to grow in isolation.

   
   

3. We are not meant to figure it all out by ourselves.

Humans are social creatures and pack animals — we were never meant to make it in the world by being a lone wolf. In my experience, a coach can work as a mirror that reflects your world back to you without judgment or expectation. We see the world differently when it comes back to us in this way, which is why coaching can be so effective when it comes to growth and transformation.

Extend Your Mind through Coaching

It’s really a myth that we’re supposed to be able to figure everything out on our own. In Annie M. Paul’s book, The Extended Mind she points out that our modern world has become so complex that the problems leaders are typically trying to fix can’t be solved alone.

Our brain has reached its maximum capacity, which means that we need to extend our mind in order to find viable solutions. But how can we do that?

• Technology: We use search tools like Google to find answers to nearly any imaginable question.

  
  

• Community: We can extend our minds by talking to others, either in person or online.

  
  

• Physical Perspective: We can change our surroundings to get a fresh view of the world, either through travel, stepping outside, or simply rearranging the furniture in our office.

  
  

• Co-creating with Another Person: Brene Brown calls it a “rumble,” as in, “Let’s rumble around in the space,” or brainstorm, to help us see previously hidden perspectives.

  
  

This last bullet point, co-creating with another, is something that is easy to do with friends, family, a partner, or a colleague. And all those people (hopefully) want the best for you… but they are often very unhelpful because they are not on the same path you are on, and don’t know how to truly “go there” with you in the same way that a coach does.

Coaching Offers Acknowledgement and Validation

I recently had a client return for some sessions with me after a few years had passed. She wanted to step out of her comfort zone in a really big way and take a risk in her career, and she came to me after not getting what she needed from her loved ones. “Some people kept telling me, ‘You’ll be great, just do it,’ while others said, ‘You’re crazy, that’s super risky,’” she told me. None of their comments really met her core need, which was to address the underlying doubts and fears that she had related to the change.

When she and I sat down together she told me that she knew she could succeed in her new vision for her career, but she also held some fear and doubts. It was a very natural combination of excitement and anxiety that inevitably comes with taking a big leap outside your comfort zone.

What she needed in order to move forward was acknowledgment and validation. That may have sounded like, “I’m sure this is a scary experience for you. You might be wondering, what will people think? Will they judge me? What if I fail? I think I would feel the same way, too. What you’re feeling is very normal.”

Acknowledgment and validation help calm the nervous system down. It makes a person feel seen and heard, but not judged. When you can get into that space of feeling validated and calm, that’s when some real work can happen; you’ll know that you can show up with all of who you are and bring whatever is present for you to our time together. (PS this practice works great in ALL relationships, not just coaching).

The funny thing is, moving forward or being stuck is never really about the action steps. It’s very much about what’s getting in the way of somebody taking action. Think about when you procrastinate: there are reasons why you don’t take action, and that’s the thing we want to talk about. How do we get you to a place where you want to do the thing? Or sometimes, you’re procrastinating because you intuitively know that it’s not the right move, after all! I invite people to move away from “should” or “must” or “have to” and shift into “I get to” do this.

A coach will help you confront both the reality that you can do something new and the fear that inevitably comes up with change. It all needs to be addressed so that you can take the next steps.

A coach will:

• See you

  
  

• Hear you

  
  

• Be curious and never judge you

  
  

• Acknowledge you and your emotions

  
  

• Validate you and your emotions

  
  

• Support and champion you

  
  

• Tell you the hard truth when needed

  
  

• Help you to notice your thoughts and remind you that you have the choice to “think another thought” when the negative ones show up (you are not your thoughts!)

  
  

• Help you to pinpoint patterns and stories you’re telling yourself that no longer serve you

  
  

• Help you to write a new, more productive story about who you are now, and who you are becoming

  
  

• Use tools to create new neuropathways in your brain

  
  

• Help you uncover your superpowers that you might be taking for granted

  
  

It can be difficult to do these things by yourself, which is why working in partnership with a coach is so powerful for so many people.

Designing the Coaching Alliance

In my brand of coaching, called Co-Active, we’ll begin our partnership by designing the alliance, that is, we’ll outline exactly how we plan to work together.

“Co” is really about “being,” and “Active” is about “doing.” So Co-Active is about the being and the doing, both of which are important. In life, the doing is often what we’re rewarded for; we get rewarded for things we do every day. And yet, the things we most appreciate and value in others is how they’re being: whether they’re kind, compassionate, enthusiastic, etc. In coaching, especially leadership coaching, it’s very much about how people show up, and how others experience them as leaders.

Together, we’ll discuss our expectations, goals, hopes, and concerns, and design a container that allows for a powerful, trust-filled, and confidential partnership that is the ideal home for growth and transformation. This only comes from bravely facing what is in front of us, being transparent, accountable, and having integrity.

There is no leader and no follower. We both own the partnership and its success or failure of it, and as a result, we create a wonderful safe space in which much growth can take place.

Are You Ready for a Coach?

If you’d like to discuss how coaching can help you or your organization, please Let’s connect to get the conversation started. I look forward to meeting you!