Are you Going Through a "Lifequake" - May 22, 2024

A few weeks ago I stumbled across a concept that I love: the “lifequake.” It comes from Bruce Feiler’s book, Life is in the Transitions: Mastering Change at any Age, and for me, it came at the perfect time.

Feiler defines a lifequake as “a major life change, from internal or external disruption, that precipitates personal evolution or rebirth.” It happens when many disruptors (job change, death in the family, marriage, new baby, empty nest, etc.) pile on at once, creating massive changes that can rock us to the core. It can take four or five years for us to work through the “Messy Middle”, to get to the point where we’re fully comfortable in our new reality.

He goes on to note that each of us goes through about three dozen life transitions in our lifespan, which works out to a big shift about every twelve to eighteen months. “That’s more often than most people see the dentist,” he notes.

I love this concept because it helps me remember that the likelihood that someone around me is in the midst of a lifequake is actually pretty high. We just never know what another person may be experiencing, which reminds me to hold the space and empathy for everyone I encounter.

What Might a Lifequake Look Like? 

Life just isn’t as linear as it used to be. For our parents, the life path most likely looked like a somewhat predictable process of going to school, getting a job, getting married, starting a family, and eventually retiring. But these days, life looks a lot different! We have more choice, more freedom, and more transition. Many of us may embrace a non-linear path and find it deeply fulfilling.

In his book Learning to Love Midlife, author Chip Conley notes some interesting statistics: In 1900 the average lifespan was 47 years. By 1977, it shot up to 77 years. That’s three additional decades! Whereas people born 100 years ago may have held two or three jobs in their lifetime, nowadays people have 12 or more (thanks in part to the modern gig economy).

Many people are choosing to take a sabbatical at age 35, or waiting to have children until their 40s, or never getting married. Many are working into their 80s out of necessity, financial, and emotional (they find purpose and connection through work). We have so much more flexibility, so much more “white space” — and so many more opportunities for disruptors and transitions to come into the picture.

Lifequakes occur when the disruptors all pile on at once. Feiler outlines two different types of lifequake:

• An involuntary lifequake: This might include a death in the family, followed by a job loss, followed by a car accident. It’s when disruptors that we didn’t choose all pile on at once.

• A voluntary lifequake: This might look like choosing to leave a job, moving, or filing for divorce. When several big changes that we embrace all happen at once.

We often tend to view voluntary lifequakes as positives, and they can be — but they’re still big transitions that can shake us deeply and call for some kind of recalibration and personal reflection. Conley also talks about the need for “TQ,” or “transition intelligence,” similar to EQ, emotional intelligence. The need for TQ has never been greater, given the amount of rapid change we all experience in our modern lives.

Lifequakes Offer the Opportunity for GrowthWhat struck me most in Feiler’s book is the idea that “lifequakes are opportunities for growth and renewal… and (sometimes) we have a hard time writing our own story.” That part is so critical. If we can shift our perspective to embrace the change as a wave, and learn to roll with the motion rather than fight against it, we’ll usually find that the wave will take us somewhere new rather than pushing us down.

Let the wave carry you. It’s so much easier to surrender than to push against this giant kinetic force; as anyone who has spent time in the ocean knows, the energy from the wave will usually win!

According the Feiler (and I have found this to be true), life transitions generally come in three phases:

1. The Long Goodbye: It’s time to acknowledge that what’s in the past is staying in the past. We can’t move on until this is done.

2. The Messy Middle: Time to let go of old habits, beliefs, expectations, and even people who no longer serve us in our lives. Develop new habits and beliefs, and build or rebuild important relationships.

3. The New Beginning: Now the transition is over and we refocus our energy on the new.

It can feel overwhelming to try and rewrite our story. Working through the Messy Middle and creating new structure for all the white space that arises because of big changes can feel ambiguous and leave us with a sense of being unmoored, confused, maybe even panicked and unstable. That’s all normal and okay!

I just spoke with a friend about what I feel is my own pending lifequake: My son is preparing to go to college, some shifts in my business are beginning to take shape, I’m anticipating a physical move, and I’m supporting my aging mother as she navigates the later part of life, knowing that she probably has little time remaining. Those are profound changes that will impact my life in a big way.

How to Navigate the Messy Middle of a LifequakeThe Messy Middle can last a long time. The sense of uncertainty can be at once overwhelming, and also exciting and full of anticipation. It may change from day to day.

Remember that your perspective matters. If you’re dreading the upcoming transitions, your process will be more challenging and it will take longer to get to the New Beginning. If you are open to the possibilities, the Messy Middle can shift into an enjoyable exploration!

If you’re in the middle of a lifequake, consider these three practices that will help you make the most of the Messy Middle:

Slow down. Productivity is not the answer. The busyness that many of us resort to in times of challenge will just keep you distracted from the reality of your life, and the idea in the Messy Middle is to be fully present with whatever is going on.

Tune in. If you continually stay busy, you won’t be able to tune into the messages your heart and body are sending. What do you value? What lights you up? What have you been ignoring, or pushing down?

Get clear on your core personal values, especially those which have been stomped on for too long (well-being, perhaps?) Notice which values have been overused (achievement, anyone?) Strategies for tuning in include mindful breathing, meditation, walking in nature, going on vacation, and writing, among others. In fact, writing is a wonderful way to give voice to messages that have been pushed down for too long.

I have one friend in the midst of a lifequake who has decided to pen a memoir. As she does, she’s noticing patterns in her life and finding healing and restoration. Writing a book isn’t for everyone, but for her, it’s the perfect way to manage the Messy Middle.

Tap into the messages from your heart and your body. They have information for you.

Say YES! Now is the time to open yourself up to new experiences and new people. If someone invites you somewhere, go! As I write this, I’m sitting in Sedona, AZ. I initially said no to the event here because I don’t love the desert. I crave water! Yet the people and the event itself (a retreat for women entrepreneurs, all of us 45+) was pulling me here!

Explore places, things, and concepts that have been on your list for a long time. Meet new people and share your inner experiences; chances are, you’ll encounter others who are going through their own disruption or lifequake. What can you learn from their experience?

Find an Objective Sounding Board

This is really important as you explore the Messy Middle: Work with someone who doesn’t have a vested interest in the outcome of your situation. Any partner, spouse, friend, or relative, however well-meaning, will have trouble being objective.

Working with a coach or other third party is the best way to explore all the possibilities as you begin to write the next chapter of your story. That person can help you tune into the things that you currently cannot see and guide you toward your new path.

If you would like support in navigating a lifequake, reach out to me today.